The Past is Never Lost

My understanding and perception of life is not what it was, 6 months ago, when Alex was amongst us and it may not be, many years from now, what it is today.

“The past is never completely lost, however extensive the devastation. Your sorrows are the bricks and mortar of a magnificent temple. What you are today and what you will be tomorrow are because of what you have been.” ~ Gordon Wright

I cried with joy when I saw the Alex Tattoo on Friends. I know they love him and are connected to him for eternity.

We are shaped by our experiences.

As I evolve and mature, my view of the world and the universe is influenced by my experiences. We attach too much importance to order. Even the smallest of changes upsets us. It makes us angry, sad, disappointed, bitter and negative.

It’s only when the big upheaval happens, we realize that all those small chaotic incidents were intended to prepare us for life’s bigger events.

I was devastated when Alex left us. It changed me forever. I didn’t know how to live and face my life, the future. I didn’t have the courage. I dwelt on the past and dreamed of what could have been. Then I saw the light.

I have to let go, of the past and of Alex, too, if I have to find a way to move forward. I had to let go of blame, shame and guilt. I had to realize that reality is often not what we want.

The geocentric universe stepped aside for the heliocentric one.

History shows us that even the most convincing arguments may turn out to be false. There is a bigger order in the universe that does not revolve around mine or your lives. It involves zillions of lives.

I often hear this question, especially in the media. What’s wrong with people? What’s wrong with this world? I used to echo the same sentiment a while back. Now, I try to accept the world for what it is. Chaotic, mysterious, illogical, painful, sad, dirty, unfair yet right.

It’s not a perfect world but it is the only one I know, and live in, for now. And if I let go of my preconceived notions and desire to change things, then I can see the beauty and joy around us. Perhaps, in some moments, I may even have had a glimpse of meaning.

If you could change the world, what would you do? More than a hundred things would come to mind. But I wouldn’t. The world is fine, as it is. I can’t change it, nor can you. I can change myself and that would influence the world around me.

I learned this from Alex.

Let go of the past.

How many times, people have told me that I can’t change the past. So let it go.

Well, I’ve tried and still do. My past contains guilt and shame. It is also filled with joy and blessings. I am sure everyone worries about what happened and what will be at some point or the other.

The important thing is to let go because you know there is nothing you can do about it. The illusion of being in control or the ability to do so is a dangerous one. On a larger scale, it is what turns people into megalomaniacs.

Our sorrows and joys are transient. Our consciousness of it is not.

That day was not like any other day. That day will never come again in my life. So, why dwell upon what I cannot change.

I will carry my sorrow in my soul, but it will not be a hole or a deep well. Instead it will be a monument to Alex, my love for him and the lessons that he taught me and I will continue to learn in the years to come.

Life is now but I am always aware of the past.

Tragedy is a terrible thing but to wallow in grief is even more. Every cloud has a silver lining and you need to look away and around you to see the light.

I was blinded for a while after my tragic loss. Everything went black and blank. I was bitter and sad even when I prayed for strength, I was looking for a peg to hang my blame and guilt.

Meditation helped me focus. I saw beyond the darkness. I pieced together memories that I was afraid of recalling. I found the experience cathartic and liberating.

Everyone has a story to share. We are keen to share only the stories we feel good about. Writing about my soul-searching journey, is a form of meditation for me. It’s my way of coming to terms with my soul. I am conscious of his spirit in my life even though he is not physically here.

Will my writing about my tragic experiences help someone else cope with their trauma? If it does, I am grateful for the opportunity to help someone. If not, at least I tried. I realize that a sense of gratitude enables me to be compassionate not only to others but to my own self, as well.

“Every day is a new beginning. Tomorrow, the future is not something to fear but to hope and welcome with open mind and open heart.”

Every time that I am afraid, I say this affirmation. Sometimes, I have doubts but I still say it.