Today is Your Birthday

I will always celebrate my son’s birthday. I believe that my life has been enriched by having him. Even though we did not have him long enough, at least we had him. I loved him every day when he was in the physical world. I still love him every day.

Alex We Love You Forever

Those of us left behind continue to feel the loss. But wherever he exists….and I know he still lives in spirit. I will continue to reach out to him and send him my love. Lately I have been receiving signs that he is well and his soul is safe and shining happily in peace. I want him to know that we will be all right. My intuition, heart and soul knows that he is doing important work – helping others in this world and in heaven.

I release that which is mine to release. And life is often about letting go of your children. You have to let them go so they can walk on their own. You have to let them go so they can drive when the time comes. You have to let them go when they go off to college or move away to marry.

I just never thought I would have to let go of Alex so soon. I cannot change what happened. I can only hope that my journey is one of healing and peace.

Each moment is a fresh starting place. Each day is a piece in the puzzle that is my life. I almost feel guilty that I am beginning to hope.

At first there was disbelief…then anger. My husband was angry at Alex for a time. I was angry at myself and maybe for a while at God. Because I couldn’t save him. Because God didn’t save him.

Then the days of numbness and grief began to roll through my life.  Now I am starting to try and work through the pain to get to the other side. I want to give meaning to Alex’s brief, but oh so bright life. I want to celebrate his life, not how it ended.

So I am trying to let go of my son. Or maybe I’m really trying to let go of the despair and the darkness of losing him loss. But I will never let go of the love and the joy of having him.

Happy 20th Birthday, Alex with much love from your mom, dad, Emily, family and friends.

A Part of Alex will Always be with Us

When we look at a tree, we see its leaves, its branches, the trunk and sometimes, even part of its roots. We don’t however see the seed from which the tree grew. The seed is transformed. Does it mean that the seed no longer exists?
The tree sheds leaves every fall and new ones grow every spring. Does a leaf feel the loss of falling from the tree more than a tree feels the loss of so many leaves? Why do some of the events that happen in our lives leave impressions that we carry with us for a lifetime?

Alex – A great defenseman

Nineteen years back, on September 4th, Alex came into our lives. He brought so much happiness in our lives that I can never forget what it means to love someone so much.

I can still picture Alex engrossed in any activity, smiling sweetly as he listened to a story, his brow furrowing with concentration as he tried to figure out something, the open hearted laughter with which he played pranks or the                    thoughtful, almost detached manner in which he explained something to his father, his sister, his friends or to me.

We are all part of something or someone.

It seems just like yesterday. I can close my eyes and feel his presence. Is this an emotional illusion? Is this a kind of self-consolation? Is this something that I am imagining so that I can continue living?

Perhaps, it’s more than a mere illusion. It’s an awareness of being part of something bigger than what we immediately perceive. It could be that we all belong together. Are geographical boundaries, racial perceptions, religious beliefs or   even economic classifications keeping us from seeing the true meaning of what it means to be a part of this world or even this universe? I think Alex had a deeper sense of being connected with the universe.

I’ve learned that there is a universal consciousness or a universal soul. We are all but parts of a whole.

I know that Alex is a part of me and a part of me went when Alex left. A part of Alex remains with me even though he is not in our midst. This is how I wish to remember him. He is a small part of a greater whole just like all of us are.

My grief does not drown my love.

Why did this happen to me? Was there a way I could have stopped it from happening? Why didn’t I have any notion that something as tragic as this was going to happen?
I may still ask these questions but I no longer want to wallow in pity or guilt or blame. I wish to rise above all these negative emotions.

In some philosophies, it is explained that there are only two basic aspects to our feelings or emotions. One is love and the other hate. Anger, pride, guilt, sorrow, joy, generosity, empathy are all but versions of love and hate. Some of them are negative and some positive. It is up to us to become aware of these two aspects within us and release what is best for this world and for the people around us. It is as simple as choosing between darkness and light.

I grieve for Alex. I will probably do so for as long as I will remember him. I, however, also celebrate the life he lived and the lessons he conveyed and still continue to do so even when he is no longer physically amongst us.

My love for Alex sees his soul. My love does grieve for the leaf that fell from the tree of life but I know that the leaf is just a part of it all. The tree of life still spreads its love and sprouts new leaves every season. Alex lives on, in our memories and in our hearts.

When tragedy strikes, it’s natural to seek solace in the negative emotional aspects of anger, blame, guilt and sorrow. It’s, however, important to see the truth, the essence, the universal love that transcends everything that happened, happens and will happen.

“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on how we see them.”~ Leo Tolstoy

This simple positive affirmation has the profound wisdom of knowing that we need to look deeper than we usually do. The truth is never what it seems on the surface. The truth lies within our soul, our spirit and our very reason for being here.

For Alex a Celebration of Life

Today is the day Alex would have turned 19. It’s his first birthday since his death, his first birthday that we shall not celebrate with him – but without him. Today the pain is stronger than it has been lately, because today we are being confronted with the fact that Alex will always be 18 years old. Today we realize that he will not have any more birthdays, not see his sister grow up, not go out and celebrate with his friends.

My son was not around long enough. Alex’s death is a loss that we will experience for a lifetime.  A mother always prays for her children and wants to keep them safe. It has been hard to let go of my son. And it seems like there is a part of my heart and soul that is still missing.

Alex, A Beautiful Soul

It occurs to me though, if I spent my life grieving, then I’ll be missing the opportunity to celebrate the life of my son.

Today on his birthday and every day I really want to honor his memory. Actually, our family has a million memories of Alex.

When he was very young he seemed so curious, excited and interested in how things worked. He had a very inquisitive nature.  He was a serious child. But he had a shy sense of humor and he could always make me laugh.

Alex was an athlete. He always wanted to be the best. But he had grace and humility. He appreciated sports and he formed deep attachments to his teammates.

He was loving and kind. And he was  deeply loved by almost everyone that met him. Alex was almost too good in some ways. I don’t think he had a mean bone in his body.

He was interested in the workings of the universe. He was a bright spirit.  He loved the stars and the ocean. He appreciated beauty and music. He was well loved and he knew that he was loved.

I will always miss my son, but I will also be grateful that I had him. And when I look up into the stars or seek peace in nature, I can feel his presence.  I want to honor his life. I appreciate that in many ways he is still a part of me. One of the best parts.

Alex was in awe of the ocean

Alex loved the ocean

But today can be more than a day of sadness. I believe today can be a celebration. A celebration of life, a celebration of love and above all, a celebration of choice.

Celebrate Life

During his 18 years on Earth, Alex was full of life. Enjoying his favorite sports and activities, as well as time with his friends. He was honest, curious and brave. Today I will celebrate the life Alex has lived, the people he has inspired, loved and touched.

Celebrate love

I am grateful for the love Alex has for me (still has) and the love I feel for him, that gets me through difficult moments.  I realize that the most important lesson we can learn in this lifetime is love, not only to love our family and friends but to love others that cross our path.  To love others, our environment and live in harmony.

Celebrate choice

The one thing we all have in common as humans, whether we come from a rich background, or don’t have access to clean drinking water, what we do have is our choices. Many – mainly the bigger – choices may seem way out of reach, but every day there are many small ones.Today, I can choose to be sad, to submerge myself in the grieving of my only son. But I can also choose to celebrate my son’s memory and his life. To celebrate the choice he has made, because he believed it was the right choice. And who am I to say it was not? So let today be a day of true celebrations. Today, I will celebrate Alex’ life, my love for him, his love for me, all his big and small choices… But above all, today I will celebrate his birthday.Because 19 years ago, when I looked into his eyes for the first time, it was a happy day. Today, even though I haven’t looked into his eyes for months, just the thought of it brings me joy. Alex is now looking with me, through my eyes. And he even has given me something I will always cherish: new eyes to look through. His love and mine, his eyes and mine, his choices and mine – they all merge together, live together, celebrate together. So today I will celebrate my son’s birthday with him, memories of him and his spirit with me.

So Happy Birthday Alex…until we meet again.

Love is a Mystery only if You Don’t

Love is ………

If you asked different people to fill in the blank, you will receive many different answers. Which one is the correct answer? This is where we flounder or lose sight of the true meaning of love. We cannot approach love the way we do anything physical like opening and closing a door, turn the key clockwise to open and anti-clockwise to close. There are no formulas to apply. You have to trust your intuition.

Alex Looking up to Heaven

Love isn’t what it means to others.  Love is what it means to you.

Love is not about you.  Love is about everyone else other than you.

These are the two truths I realized after Alex left us and I started to grieve for him. As you may have heard, I went through all the different stages of grief from denial and anger to eventually, acceptance.

Love is a mystery only if you don’t love. When you love someone the way I love Alex, love is a revelation.

You don’t look for love.

I realized that love means not asking or expecting but giving.

I went from asking myself, “If Alex loved me, why did he leave?” to “I love Alex and his absence still does not change the fact that I love him.” I went from doubt and disappointment to faith and hope.

I love Alex. There is no disputing that. Is it true that I cannot see him or I cannot touch him? No it isn’t. Even though I cannot see him the way I see these words appear on the page, in many ways I can feel his presence just like I know what these words mean.

I don’t need physical proof.  I know he exists.  As the bard said, “Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind.”

I am aware of his presence in my life. His spirit lives with the love I have and will always have in my heart.

Love is not a physical thing.

When people, including poets, attempt to describe love, they use metaphors because it is the only way our minds can wrap itself around an emotion. So, we use visual comparisons such as love is a many-splendored thing or love is beauty.

Or we borrow meanings from our limited knowledge. Of philosophy or religion and call love blind or visionary, human or divine.

The thing is love is not a thing. It is faith.

Love is the only basis to have a relationship. A relationship built on any other emotion is not worth having.

Even the most transitive and transactional connections we make every day is built on love in one way or another. When a salesperson sells you a product or when you eat at a restaurant or you board an airplane, you are basically entrusting your life or some part of it to a person you hardly know. Why?

You have faith that the outcome will be good. You cannot enjoy these transitional or transactional relationships if you harbor misgivings. You need to love a person in a way, to buy something from him or her or sell someone something. The world really revolves around love. If there was no love, we wouldn’t exist.

You are in my heart.

Where is Alex? He is in my heart.

This is true of any person I love. It is not a physical phenomenon because just like the saying home is where the heart is, love has its own world. It’s made not just of memories and hope but conviction and belief, as well.

The pain of separation begins with doubt. When someone leaves, our mind becomes weak and our heart feels pain. You look for and find fault in you and around you. This is because we find it hard to reconcile the existence of anything other than the physical.

What is on the other side?

Denial and distrust hurts not just you but the person you love as well. How can it hurt someone who isn’t here, you may well ask? Do you really believe that the person you loved doesn’t feel the anger, the bitterness and the frustration that you feel?

Was it tragic? Yes it was. Is it going to change how I love? No, it isn’t. Tragedy cannot change love. I looked for my soul in silence and sadness, by brooding and turning bitter, through examining the past and analyzing it. I couldn’t find it.

I let love return and my soul acknowledged the presence of Alex and my love for him as unchanging and eternal. This was for me a spiritual experience. I suddenly realized what Alex meant when he said, “I am not religious.” You don’t have to be religious to be spiritual. You only need to have love and kindness.

What’s on the other side? I am not sure exactly but I know that my love for Alex has the power to transcend any boundaries and reach him. My love is eternal.

“I love you for eternity, in all directions of time!”